Wow!

It would be an understatement to say the last couple of days have rocked my world. I kept waiting to feel better or for things to get easier and instead they kept getting harder. Well, things actually stayed about the same level of hardness, but my ability to cope with them was going down hill fast. Lack of sleep was a problem, but more than that was a terrible case of anxiety that kept me from sleeping, even when my baby was sleeping and tears that were flowing almost non-stop. I don't know if my hormone issues have been this severe, because I had to take hormones to get pregnant, or if I'm just one of the unlucky ones and this comes with new mom territory. The good thing is I have had tons of support; phone calls, text messages and emails from friends and family, well wishers on my blog and helpful visitors. Since I can't pack up all my friends and family and live together in a bubble world, this will have to do. I really think motherhood is supposed to be done the Native American way, with an entire tribe helping look after the new mom and baby. Here's to hoping I achieve some balance and sleep soon. I want to get back to enjoying my baby full time like I did the first few days after he was born. He deserves it and I deserve it and believe me... my husband deserves it.

Swings

Thankfully, I was exempt from mood swings while I was pregnant. I had one breakdown the entire time and it was on a VERY hot day. Anyone who has lived with me can verify that I am prone to breakdowns on extremely hot days, so it really couldn't be blamed on the pregnancy. I am, however, trying to make up for lost time in this post partum stage of things. My emotions have been all over the place. I hate feeling crazy, but that's exactly what I feel like. A walking time bomb about to erupt into tears at any moment. Not depression mind you, but far from calm... I heard this was a possibility, but as always, thought it wouldn't happen to me.
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Lack of sleep and my mom and sister returning home have not helped and I've spent the majority of today trying to keep snot from running down my face onto my baby's head. I give my wonderful husband mad props for not only not thinking I'm crazy, but actually telling me I'm doing a great job. He says it so realistically, I believe him. Yet another reason I love being married to an actor. Of course, I have been mostly ecstatic over our newest addition, but I can't wait till these hormone thingies level out. Geez Louise... it's like I'm menopausal.
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Well, my husband is waiting to wipe our hard drive yet again. Curse you virus makers! I'll try not to cry about it and in the mean time I'll share a couple pics with you, because who knows how long it will take me to get them reloaded. For all you moms out there, let me know how long it took you to regain some normalcy and if anything helped you get there. If you didn't have any emotional issues, it's okay, I'll try not to cry about that either. No promises!

River on his boppy.

River showing off his manicure... man those baby nails grow fast and sharp.

Attention!

The world's cutest bear cub has taken pictures with Melissa Sue Photography. Here is a link to a sneak peak of the session on her blog.

http://melissasuephotography.blogspot.com/2010/01/river-salt-lake-newborn-photography.html

Thanks Aunt Jessica for the picture package and thanks Uncle Luke and Aunt Kristy for my bear outfit. Just give me a couple months and I'll fill it out.

Introducing

River Lucas Bear
12-31-09*10:18 pm*8 lbs 1 oz*20 inches

My Dad called today and all he said was pictures... need more pictures. It was very dramatic, so I told him I'd do my best. I'm sure there is a more clever way to tell my birth story, but really you all just want to look at pictures of River anyway, so here's the story in a nutshell.
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I went to bed at 3 am feeling completely normal. I woke up at 4 am with contractions coming at me every 4 minutes. I think to myself, "Really, I have to do this with only an hour of sleep?" Bear comes home from work and I tell him what's happening. He says, "Really, I have to do this with no sleep?" I waited a couple hours to see if they would stop, but no, so I called my doula to come over. When she arrived, she told Bear it would be awhile and to get some sleep. To me she said, you should have gone to bed earlier. Okay, she didn't say that, but I could see it in her eyes.
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I labored at home till 6:00 pm. Hiring a doula was the smartest decision. She helped me relax muscles I was holding tight during contractions. She reminded me to change positions frequently. She even massaged my feet. The best part was having someone familiar with birth to help me decide when I should go to the hospital.
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I was dilated to an 8 when I got to the hospital. Almost over right? Wrong! I hopped in the tub for twenty minutes and got out before I couldn't get out. I was now to a 10 and it was time to push. This part is short right? Wrong! My cute little baby was stuck behind my pelvic bone and it took 3 hours of pushing to get him out. (Please refer to previous baby balloon story.) The doctor told me it was a good thing I was doing this with no medication, because if I had an epidural, I wouldn't be able to feel enough to push him out and would need a c-section. That was nice to hear, because after 19 hours of labor, I'd second guessed my "no drug" decision more than once.
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With Bear holding my hand and literally giving me strength to push when I did not have an ounce left in me, our little baby was born calm as could be. They handed him to me and he just stared right at me. They needed me to get him to cry to clear fluid from his lungs and apparently I was not rubbing him vigorously enough. I made everyone in the room burst into laughter when I made a deal with River, "You breathe and I'll bleed." I was serious. It sounded fair to me. They finally got him to cry and he filled with color and the rest is history. Magical, beautiful, wonderful history.

Our first second together. (Mama bragging moment... he latched on immediately and nursed for 45 minutes straight. Thank goodness. I prayed for a good nurser.)

Coming out of the delivery haze. Please note the blood on my arm.

Papa Bear

Ready to ride.

Sweet moves.

Nursing machine.

Mom, this hat is so lame.

Hello world.

My best James Dean.

Where's my mama?

What's the big deal?