Saturday, July 21, 2012

Long Post Part 1 of 2

I am already guilty of second child syndrome.  You know, where you don't take as many pictures, record as many details, etc.. as you did with your first.  Luckily, I don't have far to fall, since I haven't completed River's baby book, or made a scrapbook of his first year, or pretty much any other of my well intentioned baby projects.  At least he can walk and eat with a fork... am I right?  That's not total neglect.

So, with this post, I wanted to begin to make amends with as much detail as I can remember of The Cub's pregnancy story thus far.  Don't feel like you have to read it.  I mean, The Cub is a boy, so he probably won't care either, but maybe he will, so here it goes.

We had been trying to get pregnant for a year.  I stopped nursing River in February of 2011, specifically so I could start trying for a second baby.  I didn't want to put it off any longer, just in case it took awhile again.  I was sure it would be a different experience this time, with the pressure off a little, since we already had a baby.  I underestimated how strongly I would want a sibling close in age with River and how much pressure each passing month would add, as the age gap would expand.

After a couple months of casually trying, I went to my doctor to have my progesterone levels tested, since that was the only problem from the first time around.  Everything came back normal and we kept plugging away.  (Probably not the best expression to use when you are talking about making a baby.)  Anyway, I refused to wait a year before starting clomid this time, so in June, I went back to the doctor and got a prescription.  Clomid increases your progesterone levels, which wasn't really necesary this time, since they were testing normal, but I didn't care.  Let me ovulate two eggs at once... bring it on.

Fast forward to November 2011 and I am still not pregnant.  Things are starting to get more stressful and I am starting to do the math in my head regarding my age, how long it takes me to get pregnant, how long it takes to carry a baby, how long after you have a baby before you can try for another and I am starting to really get worried.  Did I mention that every single person I know is also pregnant at this time and due in the Spring?  I decide I need to mix it up a little and I start hypno-fertility sessions.  In all honesty, they were okay.  I think energy work really depends on the ability of the practitioner and this lady was very new to it.  I did the sessions once a week for a month.  No luck.

This whole time I've been split between two opposite thoughts.  I've had a very strong prompting that I need to trust in the Lord's timing and also a strong thought that you can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.  Obviously one of these thoughts is faith based and the other is fear based and it really depended on the day, which thought would direct my actions/moods/life in general.

In December I decided to make an appointment at the U's Reproductive Clinic.  I had several referrals to them and as my friend said, "The U knocks me up every time."  You can't beat that, so I scheduled an appointment for the end of December and met with Dr. Hammoud.  He was pretty cool, except that he told me, "You might look young, but your eggs know your true age."  Ha, ha... rude.  He said that because our tests were all normal, we'd be great canidates for IUI (artificial insemination) which is a zillion times cheaper than invitro, but still a pretty penny at $500 per try.  We could start that next week if we wanted and I wanted to, but seperately Bear and I both were prompted to wait till March.

I thought the prompting must be because we were in the final stages of buying a house and it would definitely close by March.  I was also looking for a job at this time and it was the longest I've ever had to look for a job.  Thanks to the internet, you don't need to leave your house to apply for work, but you also can't meet people in person, negotiate hours, get a feel for if they are actively hiring or just increasing their hiring pool.  It was beyond frustrating.  I figured the stress wouldn't be good for the IUI results and that must be another reason for the prompting.

February came and I still didn't have a job and the house fell through.  I really thought it was pointless to wait  another month, but the prompting was strong and so we listened.  Meanwhile, my mother in law came to visit  and she said that my sister in law had a dream that I would get pregnant without needing IUI.  I laughed it off and sarcastically said that meant I had to get pregnant next week then.

At this time, I also started feeling like I needed to go see the Kinesiologist that I saw before I got pregnant with River.  I had seen him then, because I realized with a fiery wave of energy across my whole body, I had a lot of stored fear from the trauma of my own birth that was keeping me from getting pregnant.  (Side note: I was basically born dead with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice and the only sign I was alive was a slight bend in my fingers.)  Even though I can't remember it, my body can and I knew all at once that I related birth with almost dying and I needed to fix that or I would not get pregnant.  Well it worked that time and I got pregnant my very next cycle.

I hadn't gone in to see him this time, because River's birth hadn't been traumatic.  Yes, it was long and yes, it was more painful than I thought it was going to be, but it was amazing and nothing I would categorize as traumatic, so I really didn't think I had any fear leftover from his birth.  However, the prompting wouldn't go away.  I thought and I thought and sometimes I can be a little slow and then I finally remembered... the worst two months of my life.  Oh yeah... it sounds so horrible and I don't really like to say it (which is probably why it took me so long to figure out) but the first two months after River was born were the hardest of my entire life.  PPD sucked!  Big Time!  There was definitely a teeny, weeny, itsy, bitsy chance I had subconsciously stored some fear over that one.  So I made the appointment for mid February and miraculously he had a spot open up in his packed schedule.

This brings us to March.  (Insert sigh of relief here.)  I booked a commercial for Wendy's from a headshot submission I didn't even submit.  I basically got a call from my agent on Monday and she said, "You have a job on Wednesday.  It pays $500.  Can you do it?"  Um.. Yeah!  I thought it was so meant to be...  $500 out of nowhere the week before we start IUI!  It was a busy week, because I had just finished the last of three interviews for a job I had been trying really hard to get too.  They hired me and said I would be able to start in three weeks.  Sweet!  Finally money coming in, since Bear and I were about to have a lot of money going out.

I remember the day of my commercial, March 8th,  the makeup lady kept commenting how warm I was and asking me if I felt like I was getting sick.  I didn't feel sick, but I definitely felt hotter than normal.  I didn't think much about it till later that night.  It was day 26 of my cycle and after a million failed pregnancy tests, I swore I would never waste another one till I at least went past day 31.  That was before I was introduced to pregnancy tests from the dollar store.  Best thing ever.  Holla!  Anyway, Bear had just left for work and I suddenly felt like I really needed to take the test.  I didn't want to get my hopes up, because I've had that feeling before and been dashed to bits, but I made myself feel better by thinking I needed to know if I was pregnant, because I needed to finalize the IUI appointment for the next week.

Well, to make a long story slightly less long, I'll just say one word on the matter...



Shannon said...

That is an amazing story lil! It makes me want to cry I'm so happy for you guys. The Lord really helped you through it and guides you every step of the way. I cannot wait for River to have a little brother!

Iris said...

OK... Got to ask.. Did you call Bear on his lunch break or did you wait till he came home after work?

Also.. I don't think your Kinesiologist would have enough days in the year to release all my pent up trauma..

However, reading your blog made me flash on my trip through the windshield and how that played out. I think I realize why I get SO MAD when people get in front of me and block my view when driving... Won't change anything, but I now know .....