Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Half Birthday

Today I am 31 and a 1/2 and believe you me... I earned that 1/2! Six months ago, I was eating cake and contemplating my impending life changes. Most girls, within weeks of delivering, are aching to get the deed done, but I was hesitant. I was excited to see my baby's face, but I already felt like I knew him. He was my buddy and I liked our covert relationship of kicks and hiccups. My life revolved around him, but I was still me, one hundred "sleep till noon" percent. Everyone says your life changes, but I think I sensed something deeper was coming and I was right.
To make room for MOM, I had to say goodbye to big pieces of LIL. Pieces I liked and parts I thought were pretty important. Bedtime at Sunrise Lil, Read a Book in a Day Lil, No Need to Carry a Bag Lil, Sure I'll Come Visit Lil, and No Need to Count a Single Calorie Lil have been replaced by Tired by Ten Lil, I'll Get to That Book Someday Lil, Could This Diaper Bag Be Any Heavier Lil, Sorry My Baby Needs a Nap Lil and last but not least, Is This Scale Correct Lil.
Every time I try and reclaim an old piece of myself it backfires. Like the time I decided to go to Sacrament Meeting without a diaper bag. I hate carrying stuff and I had just changed River. It's only an hour and what are the chances he would have an explosion right then??? Maybe that's part of the post-partum depression. Some of us are just more attached to who we are and we take change hard. I don't know. But what I do know is that Up at Seven A.M. Lil is greeted by beauty and delights that Sleep Till Noon Lil never imagined possible.

And while you can see, Motherhood has definitely left it's mark on me... red eyes, bags, lines, etc... I find myself smiling most of the time.

One day I think I'll grow in to this Mom role so well, I'll be able to fit some of those old pieces back, but until then, I'll get my hair done once every six months, paint my toe nails a shade of blue, suck in my tummy, squint my eyes just right while I look in to a mirror and think... Oh, there I am.


Candice said...

I love this. You write so wonderfully. I looked at pictures of me, my first year with Sarah, and all of what you wrote is true...except that you are so beautiful. I never saw any of the tired beauty that you described.

Scott and Stacia said...

Oh is this such the truth! I hope to one day get back to scrapbooking or reading etc. If you find those things before me, let me know your secret!! River is so very cute!

Carlson Family said...

This made me cry. Anyone who is a Mama understands. I'm not Lindsay anymore...I'm Mommy. Your life is flipped upside down but it is so worth it. I liked old Lil, but Mommy Lil is who you were born to be. I love you so much Lillith and think you are perfectly beautiful. You radiate happiness and Luke is so lucky to have you for his Mom.

Jessica said...

I liked old Lil a whole lot.

However, now I have new Lil (which is pretty darn awesome) and the world's cutest little boy as my nephew.

I've got no complaints!